So, here I am at the start again – perhaps wiser but also coming out of this journey with less than I began with.
I didn’t plan on starting over.
In fact, I argued to stay – to tried to keep a hold of something that once felt like mine, something I built with love.
Then slowly but then all at once, I no longer fit into that dream. It was pulled away from my hands and was molded into an image that no longer had me in it. I began to wonder … did anyone know that I existed at all?
I fought. I screamed. I collapsed. I settled … because if I fought any more, I would lose all that magic in me. If I continued this battle, hate and anger would consume me. I already felt myself falling into that abyss. There was just too many fights to endure. So, I left the battlefield …
Letting go was messy. It’s quiet grief – tearful nights of feeling utterly alone. It was explosive anger at intentionally broken promises.
Then finally, it’s the strange calm of deciding: This isn’t working. I deserve honesty. I deserve autonomy.
I deserve more.
So here I am – not broken. No.
Just shifting.
I am not starting from scratch. I am armed with experience.
I am grateful for what I was able to take away, so I can begin anew. I will start over. I will leave the hate and anger behind, and I will find my way again.
This blog, ellenguyen.ca, isn’t a polished novel of character building, love, and tragedy. It’s a collection of paths taken, good & bad. These are journeys of my character unraveling, healing, and growing. These stories, I hope, show courage and love, touched by little bit of magic.
If you’re here, maybe you are reflecting on your own story and are looking to find courage and love, too.
If so, welcome. You don’t have to rush.